It's 4:30am and I'm wide awake. Aahhh jetlag. I think it's pretty fun to be awake in the quiet of the night however. Very mysterious and engaging.
I I've been laying in bed for about two hours thinking about things. But I've just figured out something that has been puzzling me for many many weeks.
Back on November 30th I wrote a long and rather anguished entry in this blog about feeling out of synch with the politics of the people that I have known a long time from here in Minnesota. But it's not really straightforward politics that was troubling me. I was trying to articulate something else, and I just figured out what it is.
Something that has struck me since returning to Minnesota is the strength and vitality of people's moral convictions. When we talk about moral convictions we tend to imagine right-wing or Christian people, but most of my friends and family here are strongly left-wing and some are not religious at all. Even so, they and most other people here display a strong cultural tendency to define their world in terms of moral liberal positions. I think this tendency got stronger in the past several years in opposition to Bush and the tension that his administration has produced in American society.
This kinda stressed me out but I couldn't quiet define why. Even though I grew up here and was raised with the same "liberal values", I felt that since being back I've somehow become a black sheep who has gone over to "the dark side", so to speak. But I couldn't put my finger on why, what do I believe in that's different? Even though I may not call myself left-wing, I most certainly am not right-wing.
So laying awake here in the early morning with jetlag I figured it out. Here it is:
I just realized there's one common thing that most of my friends and family here do. They define their activities and their social groups according to moral beliefs. This creates a sort of set of lines that they draw in the sand. People all over the world do this, but I feel the tendency is particularly strong here. They will accept people, products and activities up to a certain moral boundary then go no further. For example, most of my friends will only listen to a minimum of "commercial" music because they oppose corporatization of music at some level. When you ask why they dislike a certain group they will most often mention the social beliefs it promotes or exposes, not about aesthetic criteria like voice, rhythm or such. Morality is at the core of many of their daily decisions - ones that superficially appear not to have a strong moral component.
This is where I feel out of alignment.
When I say they "draw a line in the sand" I mean that they put a limit on the experiences or the relationships they are willing to have. They reject certain elements of society and will explore no further. They want nothing to do with certain types of people, products and habits.
I find this terribly constricting, like a wool sweater that's too small. I don't criticize them for what they do. It's entirely understandable really, because in America the pressure to join the herd of mindless consumers who lives life in front of the TV is very strong and they are doing everything they can to retain intellect and independence. This is part of their effort to do this.
But still, it is constricting.
For me there is nothing more interesting or exciting than crossing social boundaries, specifically the ones that I oppose the most. I love to find out how the world looks from other peoples' eyes. This is what has always drawn me to anthropology, and specifically ethnography, where a person goes to live within another society to learn about how they construct and view their world. I want to experience the sensations, both tangible and intellectual, of people who hold very different beliefs.
I illustrate the difference like this:
My friends and I have one clear commonality. They, like myself, believe that Bush has made some grave mistakes by engaging in the Iraq war.
Part of the frustration for both them and I is not understanding how can so many people support Bush when his policies seem so flawed to us? Sometimes this question seems absolutely mind-boggling.
So their reaction is to loath these seemingly-illogical beliefs. In turn they reject Bush and reject his supporters, who are often grouped into three categories - Republicans, evangelical Christians and oil capitalists. My friends and family generally speak badly of these three groups of people, particularly in the context of Bush, and generally avoid interaction with these types of people and even go further as to reject activities and products that they associate with these people (like SUVs, Christian rock, Sunday night football for example).
My reaction is a little different. I'm not sure why but it's just the way that I am. I am as equally puzzled by these other groups of American society, seeing that I did not grow up amongst them. But this sense of puzzlement leads me directly to a strong sense of curiosity. Why do these people believe in what they believe in?
This leads me to just the opposite conclusion - I want to learn more about them. It makes me curious to visit the places they visit, try the activities that they do, eventually even meet and spend time with them. I want to try on their life like a pair of shoes, to see life through their eyes. They must have reasons for believing or behaving as they do. And the more I disagree with their positions the more I actually feel drawn to them. I draw no boundary. In fact I am compelled to create connections. They more people frusterate and confuse me, the more they intrigue me.
I feel this way not only about Bush and his supporters but for zillions of different types of people in different situations, not always political. For me this is the best sensation, viewing the world from foreign and unfamiliar viewpoints. It tests my own beliefs, makes me challenge myself and breaks me out of my preconceptions and habits. It makes me understand so much more of this world.
In the years gone by I have dined, talked, worked and conversed a lot of types of people. Some I enjoyed, some I detested. But either way I liked the interaction. There were subsistence farmers, cigarette-factory owners, graduates of the world's most elite universities, people who make their living by breaking rocks into gravel by hand, gigolos who sleep with tourists for money, members of large upstanding catholic families, people who worship ancestral spirits, muslims in headscarves, acquaintences of Dick Cheney, transvestite theater actors, daughters of French diplomats, published academics, taxi drivers from Ethiopia, stained glass makers, waiters and waitresses, French people who love Bush, people who sell poached birds in cages on the street, nuns who try to keep decaying monasteries alive, struggling restaurant owners who work 6 days a week, illegal loggers, a man who's father exterminated communists, people who lost all their family in a war, people who built their own home out of logs.
I guess the result of all this is that I now accept a lot of different ways and beliefs. I may not always agree, but I can live comfortably with their presence in this world. I draw few lines in the sand.
I don't want to put boundaries around my life. I want to roam through many beliefs, and collect wisdom where I find it. I indeed have my own personal morals but they are quite unusual since they come from so many sources. And I mostly apply them only to myself. Other people live with different circumstances from my own and I am happy to let them live in a way that suits their life.
The only problem with this is that I feel awkward here at home now. Minnesotans are pretty vocal about politics and beliefs so these topics arise often in conversation. And when someone rallies against evangelical Christians or preppy guys in business suits, for example, I just can't take their side. Even when I agree with certain underlying principles, I just don't want to create a boundary of us-vs-them. I don't want to take sides. I don't want to "get political" I don't want to villainize some imagined group of moral enemies. I don't want to adopt rigid viewpoints. In fact I do feel a sort of contrarian reaction where I actually might argue on behalf of the criticized group, even though I'm not actually "on their side", just because I don't like the way that the moral wall is clamped down on the them. This occurs when I'm feeling more cantankerous and less patient.
As a result I sometimes wonder if my friends sense this, and erroneously believe that I have "become republican" or something of that sort. After all, my boyfriend does come from a corporate career and I did grow up going to church a lot. This could easily slide to a belief that I am "not on their team".
I would be very sad if this happened. Because underneath it all I adore my friends and family and all their beliefs. They are creative funny people and have shown me an unrivaled warmth and hospitality since I've been back to the US. My time spent with them is great. I don't want to be at odds with them. But at the same time I can't pretend to share their moral boundaries. Some of my tastes in material things also fall way outside their accepted boundaries - including my thorough enjoyment of crappy commercial pop music, small-town meatmarket nightclubs, church camp. Just be assured that I also like local organic farms, public transport and NPR.
Whew, I hope this makes sense. It is still the wee hours of the night, but I feel wide awake like three in the afternoon. It's still only been a few hours since I got off the plane. Now I'll try to go get some more sleep. Goodnight....
