Feb 16 - My Identity as an American

I didn't think I'd write anything today, but I just have to say I am so ashamed by what it means to be American these days.

I have the radio on in the background, and a news piece just came on about the UN's request for a shutdown of secret American prisons in Cuba and elsewhere because we are believed to be torturing prisoners. Representatives of the US, my OWN country, say this is a perfectly acceptable practice and there's no reason to shut down.

I'm am truly so ashamed by that. I don't know what actually goes on in these prisons. None of us really do. But it looks like we are torturing people. That's what people all over the world believe. That makes us look like a country of hypocrites, because we talk big about human rights and democracy then create places that look like hell on earth with no law to govern them. Is that an image my government is comfortable with, true or not?

I am not comfortable with that. I don't accept secret prisons outside the rule of law. I don't accept torture. But being an American, it looks like I do. I can't stand that my government promotes this, putting the burden of something so horrible on my shoulders.

Ironically, this is part of why I wanted to come home from Europe to the US. Living abroad as an American made me carry acts and beliefs upon my shoulders that I don't believe in.

Here at home I am a normal person, people categorize me according to personal criteria like job, music tastes, clothing, religion, neighborhood and such. These are things I can present according to my tastes. I can show who I am on my own terms.

But out in the world I automatically carry the label of American, which depending on the person I meet, automatically suggests I am an imperialist, a torturer, a greedy capitalist, a religious gun nut, fat, an ignorant mass-consumer.....you name it. I never, EVER want to be any of these things!

I hated having such a divide between my perception of my own identity and the way other people see me, just because I am an American. After knowing people for awhile, they often would tell me "You're not like other Americans". Ok, this meant that they saw me as an individual, beyond the "American" label. That seemed like a compliment at first. But upon further reflection that hurt worse than anything. They thought I was ok, but the REST of my country was still a bunch of deplorable people. I so much wanted them to believe that other Americans are not always these awful things either. So many people I knew from home were kind and clever, stylish and compassionate, intelligent and warm. I knew good people. Many of them. Yet these people are largely invisible overseas. Not in the movies, not in the news. Not visible. How could I convince them? I tried to be the best person I could. But finally it was a mountain I finally felt I could not move. So I came home.

Whew, this has been bottled up awhile. Just had to get it off my chest.